something about trust

Do you trust me?

He asks me this as I kick rocks on my run, sprinting up the hill because it feels good to have those quick spurts of energy, even though I can’t breathe when I reach the top. 

I kick the rocks because I’m frustrated. This is not what I wanted: I didn’t want this struggle, I didn’t want these feelings, or this attitude, or these particular circumstances.

I thought we had this one figured out a few years ago, I tell him. I thought we had the anxiety and fear figured out. I thought self confidence was going to get easier, I thought two weeks off was supposed to bring back the peace into day to day life. 

I kick another few rocks, listen to another Pitbull song, then the music switches to Kanye and I’m doing push ups on the gravel outside.

Do you trust me?

I don’t want to trust — trust requires not knowing, trust requires being led, trust requires being the sheep and listening to the shepherd, even when you’re being sent amidst a pack of wolves.

We talk a lot about Psalm 23 when life is hard, but I’ve been gripped by it more with the first line read in Spanish.

“El Senor es mi pastor: nada me falta”

Faltar means to be lacking, to miss —

Nothing, I am lacking. Nothing, I am missing.

Do you trust me?

For some reason the Spanish brings more of a sense of relief and peace than the English “I shall not be in want” (and I know there are many different translations in English not using “want”, but bear with me). 

When I follow, when I trust — I lack nothing. 

After that run, I made a promise to be faithful, to be persistent in following this shepherd. I know I will stumble and get off track, I will doubt and lose hope. 

But I don’t want to give up. There’s something about this word, “faltar” that makes me want to trust just a little bit more — to believe in the shepherd caring for his sheep, tending to his flock, ensuring that nothing is missing, nothing is lacking.

That’s a message I want to keep running to, keep trusting in, keep seeking after, keeping hoping for, keep leaning into. 

Gracias, Dios, que Ud. es mis senor, y nada me falta.

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