(A belated post)
I have goals about blogging — goals that are unfortunately hardly ever met. A post a month? Welp, didn’t do that in June. A book review for each good book I finish? Too overwhelming (even if the book list is small!).
But today, a slow morning when there’s a spotify playlist playing for this exact mood, coffee in hand, two slices of zuchini bread eaten and the smell of fresh baked granola filling up the living room, I want to write about a prayer.
Yesterday I prayed that God would be my anchor, that in the midst of waves and changing tides, that I would cling tightly to his stability.
I write about that prayer because I want to remember it.
I pray that change and heartache would make me softer (thank you, Anne Lamott)
I pray that when friends move away, I’ll be strong enough to make room for a new kind of relationship, that my saddness wouldn’t turn to bitterness but that it would welcome something new as we share in life from a new angle, maybe a new longer distance.
I pray that a loved one’s death wouldn’t harden me, but that it would soften me. That I would remember that “every lament is a love song”, that there will always be a hollow emptiness in their loss, but that I don’t have to experience the emptiness alone. I pray that the emptiness will remind me of blessing, even if it’s a blessing I am deeply missing.
I pray that change would help me hold more loosely, to people, places, and things. Not that holding loosely means a lesser love or depth or authenticity. I want the same love, deeper still. The same depth and authenticity, too. By holding loosely, I want it to mean more peace and less anxiety – trusting that my sense of “being okay” isn’t dependent on another person or life circumstances. Because if “being okay” was dependent on that, I wouldn’t be okay.
Instead, I want to pray that I would dwell in this shelter, in this place of rest and peace:
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord; He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him.
If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. –Psalm 91:1-2; 9-10